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Dear Straw Trolls

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SO, about a year ago I discovered the straw trolls. It was around the time I started showcasing my morning iced chai that I must drink out of a straw. There’s just certain drinks that require a straw, you know? Smoothies, iced drinks, cocktails…I would honestly take a straw in ANY drink because water dehydrates my lips (a side effect of being hypothyroid) and so I try to avoid water exposure to my lips as much as possible. Roll your eyes, laugh, or don’t believe me, but it’s the truth.

Back to the straw trolls. Basically there are people who troll my IG, waiting for the moment I use a straw to send me a lengthy message about how I’m killing the environment, the turtles, showing a bad example, etc. You guys know that I read through 95% of DM’s and so I see everything. The first time someone sent me a message about the straws it was informative and polite, AND I was using a regular old plastic bendy straw. I thought to myself, ‘Huh…I haven’t heard of this, but it makes sense. I love the turtles (I did grow up on Maui after all), and it seems like there are simple enough alternative to the plastic ones.’ Despite having another 400-ish plastic straws left in the packet, I discarded them and ordered what I thought was the next best thing: metal straws.

Metal straws seemed like a good idea because they are reusable, which clearly I need. They also come in the same thin size that plastic straws come in so it was the perfect replacement in my mind. When they arrived I proudly sipped on my morning iced chai with my metal straw clanking around my glass and of course a slew of messages came flooding in “What is that straw?” “Where can I buy one?” “Yay for no more plastic straws!!” but then….”GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW!” from my Dentist….

I had just spent a year (& a pretty penny $$) to fix my dog teeth with Invisalign. My dentist was NOT happy to see me using a metal straw. It didn’t take more than a few Google searches (which btw, I feel like trolly people need to do more of….it’s free information & VERY accessible…) to see that she was right. You DO have to dig through some articles and sites to find the reasoning, because of course sites are all trying to SELL you metal. But when you get to the dentist articles, they all explain how steel can break / chip your teeth, it can crack your enamel, if you have a metal retainer you can get headaches from the added metal, & so on. And yeah, I didn’t just buy myself some new teeth to ruin them with some dumb straw.

So I moved on to silicone. I’ve seen other people talk about them and again, they are reusable, which is key. I placed my order on Amazon and was disappointed when they arrived because their size / opening was huge. They are kind of like Boba straws and too much liquid comes through each sip. And yes, I realize how petty that sounds but you know what? I have a sensitive gag reflex and need to sip my liquids slowly. Paul can tell you how long it takes me to finish my wine when there is supposedly “one sip” left…I’ll turn it into a 4-sipper. I attempted to use the silicone straw but as I suspected, too much liquid was coming through and I just didn’t enjoy my drink. Fuck. Now what?

Before I get into the glass, I should mention that I did try the paper straw thing. If you don’t mind soggy, limpy, cardboard-tasking straw in your mouth you’ll probably love them. But I don’t. They make super cute paper straws but again, that feeling in my mouth mixed with the ineffectiveness of the straw itself has me thinking I’ll probably never use one again. Moving onto glass. I was avoiding glass for obvious reasons, it’s glass. Fragile. BUT, I was left with no real other options. The glass straws I use have a bigger opening than I’d like but it’s not quite as bad as the silicone. They come slightly bent, which I find easier to sip, as well as straight up. They even give you these little pipe-cleaner thingys so you can keep them sanitary. It’s a total pain in my ass, as every 2 days I find myself washing all 10 straws at the sink but you know, I’m just trying to set a good example for the youngins. If you want to enjoy your morning iced coffees with a straw (to protect your lips / teeth / teeth whitening / lipstick) you have to make SACRIFICES.

I plan to send a link to this article to all trolls who still send me messages when they see me using a [glass] straw. I’m truly tired of defending myself about the issue, as I haven’t purchased or used a plastic straw in my house since I became informed. And for those who claim “they couldn’t tell it was glass” in the video, maybe just chose to not be a straw troll. It’s that simple.

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